Diary Entry 4/8/2017

I’ve been having a bit of tough time lately. It’s hard to write about this, slipping again falling off the feel-good wagon. But I should keep it up, even if it’s just for my own sake.

I got into this to document my progression through depression and Jiu Jitsu, to keep in touch with my own thoughts as they evolve, whether they be good or bad. But, I notice that each diary piece I had ready to be uploaded is an edited version, my life is great and everything is perfect, nothing to see here. It wasn’t.

I’d been working hard since January with college, placement and my teaching job as well as training. I was really working my butt off, and in the beginning, I felt great. I had no time to write so I didn’t, I just worked and trained and slept. I even got a competition or two in there. I had no time for anything else, so I didn’t do it. Clean the house, too tired, wash my hair, too tired, feed myself, too tired. I started using it as a crutch. I don’t have to do these things to better myself because I’m tired from all this hard work I’m doing. Absolute nonsense.

I would wake up every day, exhausted but trying to get stuff done, because that’s what everyone does. We all feel like crap, that’s how everyone feels, forget all other experiences. This time it’s different, this time I’m supposed to feel this way. I was stubborn and couldn’t see it, I was fine and if there is a reason I wasn’t, it’s because of some other excuse I’ll come up with in a sec… Don’t look over here.

Any feelings of accomplishment I got from work was short lived, no matter what I did, how much I achieved those stupid thoughts would keep creeping in. “why are you doing this?” “why bother?” “you’re useless, pathetic” “you don’t belong with these normal people” “nothing you do is worth anything” etc… some of the more, gentle thoughts. It started to build up.

There were so many times I wanted to breakdown, I started snapping at my co-workers, something I would never normally do. I couldn’t sleep, long tedious days made me feel exhausted, but I would spend most of the night wide awake listening to my own stupid head telling me I was worthless. Training didn’t help, in fact it made it a little worse because on day when I was down, any other misstep brought me down further. I started skipping classes then.

It’s coming up to the end of summer, I should be relaxing and thinking about my future, but all I want is an escape. Something to break this up this feeling of boredom or restlessness whatever it is. A bottle? a quick cut maybe? Would that help? I keep looking for this quick fix answer, but there isn’t one. 1 step forward 2 steps back, it’s the age-old tale. I believe it’s getting better though, I haven’t fallen so hard this time I’ve started hurting myself, thankfully. And I’m not drinking so there’s that.

Wow, such a positive return. Though I can say I’m on an upswing. I’m looking forward to getting back to college, studying can be very therapeutic for me. And I’m putting a bit more time into doing what I want to do, even if it’s only sitting on the couch and playing vidya for an hour. Slow and steady progress.

I suppose I should acknowledge that slip ups happen and that trying to move on from them is the best course of action. Let it go, shake it off, and all that jazz…


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